I can remember the first time I had a panic attack. It was 1994, not long before my 18th birthday. I was working with horses at the time as that’s what I did back then, my dream job as a sole groom with competition horses. I thought I was having a heart attack as my breathing became restricted and my heart raced fluttering out of control. It stopped me in my tracks in complete panic that here I was, in my prime but I was going to die. Looking back now I had no idea I had anxiety. I used to get stressed and agitated about things happening, I could feel my blood pressure rise as my mind raced, processing all different factors which may complicate what ever it was that had been asked of me. My body would feel tight and restricted, then I would start to sweat which was something I struggled to control back then, and as I got more uptight I would then start to get cold as I shut down. Sometimes I would just have to sit down staring at the wall as everything stopped and shrunk to a pinprick. I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers and severe anxiety in my late 30s but whilst I suspected I may be Autistic the notion of having anxiety never crossed my mind.
I was studying a degree in child development by this time and my stress levels very quickly started to escalate. Other things from my Aspergers didn’t help as I couldn’t cope with being back in a classroom environment and I struggled to understand the nuances of group dynamics. Here I was finally in my life becoming an academic, since being a drop out at 16, yet I still didn’t know when to put my hand up or when not to shout out all the answers. I couldn’t read people and found my literal way of thinking initially struggled with the abstract concepts of academic writing. Creating an ‘argument’ without showing whose side I was on, but showing it nevertheless by who I chose to reference, was just too weird to start with. I got lost down wormholes of research as I fixated on things that were irrelevant to the question which has been proposed. And questions could just be statements “an exploration in to the aquisition of language in 2 year olds” yet you had to answer the question even though it wasn’t a question. I wept tears of relief when my gp told me academics are often autistic and struggle with the same sort of thing at university. I had always suspected he was on the spectrum himself but at that moment just his empathy and reassurance was all that was needed to tip me over the edge.
It took 2 years on a waiting list to get my initial assessment but still I didn’t suspect I suffered from anxiety. I just got ‘agitated’ and was very aware of the need to point this out to the psychologists assessing me. I scored nearly off the scale for anxiety and that was a far bigger surprise than being told I had Aspergers Syndrome. You may notice it after some time in my company but you wouldn’t know to look at me. You certainly would never think I have anxiety. I have a successful life with my own private practice supporting clients with anxiety disorders and trauma. I still work in early years education as a lead practitioner having started working with children and families 15 years ago, and I run a small holding. My life is fairly idyllic but still I get agitated, and still the anxiety sometimes crushes my body.
Rethink Your Life 